I wish I could yell this off a cliff.I wish I could yell this off a cliff.Diary

ViolettaVioletta13 dager siden
TW!!! I talk about my abuser faking suicide for attention. This is a long one.

I don't know whats wrong with me. There's no reason for me to be writing this but I guess because no one can see my face or knows where I go to school or knows my real name I can say this.

I was abused verbally, manipulated, and threatened with assult by someone who I called my best friend. We were both into cosplay and we would hang out outside of school and conventions all the time. For context in this story, she spent a year and a half making a massive ballgown and had entered into a major cosplay contest where she came in second in her category. She was also an adult at the time, a freshman in college and I was 17 (currently 19). She flip flopped back and forth over why she wanted to win. One day it was "I just want the accolades I don't care about the prize or winning" and the next it was "I want to take my boyfriend with me to NYC to see musicals and stay in a hotel" all the way to "I need money for college". None of that was true by the way she is rich, her parents pay a shit ton of money for her art school, and her costume cost several thousand dollars which her parents would pay for.

This is my story. What she did to me at 17.

It started on a Friday morning when she came to my house to prepare to go to the convention. Her prop broke and wanted me to fix it, which I could not. She gets stressed and starts getting upset but our mutual friend went and fixed it temporarily. She leaves my house a mess. There were 4 of us going to the convention, the owner of the room (my friend who was 16 at the time), me, the mutual friend who is a photographer, and the abuser.

The convention happened over three days and those first 2 nights were hellish. The trouble really started when the abuser came back from the convention Friday night and couldn't find her contact lens case for her $30 contacts. Both my friend and I offered her our own lens cases because Abuser's eyes hurt but she said no. Then she couldn't find her engagement ring (it was a cheap knockoff from a certain opera/musical). She stared freaking out on all of us and I called my mom to see if she left it at my house (it was at the Abuser's home/dorm idk it was one of those.) Then she couldn't find her makeup bag. Now I'm mixed so I'm not pale but my friend was super super pale and both her and the Abuser were the same shade. Best friend offered her makeup kit to Abuser but Abuser went off saying she "needed" her makeup because it has expensive brushes and all the makeup to look perfect for the competition tomorrow or else she wouldn't win.

From there it went downhill. Fast. She started yelling at us saying she was in pain and couldn't find any of her things saying shes a failure and not worthy and how she was regretting entering the competition because she never wins anything. Then it somehow turned to me and she started yelling at me for being a bad friend and never talking to her (We went to 2 different schools and she said I was distracting her and to not call her as often). She said I would never understand how she felt because I won competitions before for cosplay and she hadn't. Then she started to put me down saying "I only won because I was competing in the youth category (I won first in a national competition and she came in second in hers eat shit). I snapped and yelled back that she is a failure because she never tries and gives up before it's time to start. I yelled that she told me not to call her as often and I was a senior in high school, I'm busy too. I told her she was overreacting and that we offered solutions to her issues but she's being a brat about it.
This continued for what was probably 45 minutes but felt to me like 2 hours. Moreover, she yelled at the photographer friend (whose close friend recently killed themselves) that she was going to kill herself and when the photo friend said "Don't do that that's never the answer" Abuser replied "I don't care". Photo friend left the hotel room crying. 16 year old friend was having a PTSD attack from all they yelling in the bathroom huddled up on the floor hand between her knees. I couldn't help her because Abuser would yell at both of us.

When she finally stopped yelling she tried to excuse her actions saying she had an anxiety disorder or something like that. I firmly remember she tried to play it off as mental illness. I left the room saying I'm going to look for photo friend. When I got back to the room it was a laughable site. Photo friend had gathered Abuser and 16 year old friend on the floor of the bathroom and said to join them for "Crying therapy time" as if the last 2 hours didn't happen. I was enraged but swallowed it.

My 16 year old friend and I were also supposed to compete in the youth category but decided to give it up because we wanted more time to work on the costume. Once my abuser heard that, she called her friend and told him he was going to win because we dropped out. She did all that in front of us.

After all that and saying she was going to kill herself I was just too tired at that point. I held it in but I was close to my breaking point.

I finally went to sleep and the next day I got ready for my photo shoot and for the rest of the convention day. In the photos you can see how dead and tired I looked. Just lack of energy or joy. Due to the previous night's activities, all of us were pretty quiet and spent the majority of the day to ourselves until the evening when the cosplay competition occurred.

I will do another part. There is a lot to cover here. I kept this all bottled up inside for almost 2 years now and I was in therapy for most of it due to the Abuser's actions. Even though I just recently graduated from therapy, I found myself thinking about her recently and I hate it. So instead of bottling it up forever, I would like for someone to listen for just a moment so I feel less alone inside, like yelling out a secret on a cliff that no one can hear.

If you read this far, thank you. really thank you for listening to me.
1,988 treff • 11 favoriter11 kommentarer


Sounds like a brat and must be nice for her parents to pay for art school(I have to save up for mine ;_;)
12 dager siden
That's horrible, sorry you had to go through that. I think you handled it really well though, I probably would've lost my shit at some point. I hope she's out of your life now and if she's not then try your best to get her out. Toxic people like that that don't put the effort into trying to better themselves and offer fake excuses to justify their wrong behavior are the kind that you need to just get away from. It's different when someone's willing to put the effort in to try to change but that doesn't seem to be the case here, from what you've explained.

I don't wanna make my own assumptions based on whether or not this girl really has something wrong with her but obviously going so far as to use an incredibly serious, triggering and traumatic event such as killing yourself to manipulate someone's mindset or get your way through pity is never okay. I hate when stuff as serious as that and mental illnesses gets used as an excuse for people to justify their behavior. The issue with mental illnesses is that there's no physical evidence that you can just pull out of your brain to prove that you have it, like a broken bone. People obviously take advantage of that and this is what you get...
12 dager siden
Two paragraphs in it's obvious that person has some kind of mental or emotional disorder. That's a reason and an explanation, but it's not permission. People who can't control themselves when they, for whatever reason, harm others, don't deserve to be around others. Therapy and medication exist, and if she rejects both of them, then she has chosen to do whatever terrible things she might do without.

I'll share something with you: I was in a long term abusive relationship when I was younger. After it ended, I was constantly afraid they would do something more to hurt me - and they made multiple attempts, so the fear was justified. For several years after, the trauma would creep up on me without warning, even after the abuser was truly gone. But gradually it numbed. Now I don't think about that person at all, except when I recognize an abuse cycle beginning with current relationships. I take what I learned from that miserable chapter of my life and distance myself from that stuff as politely as possible. And I keep living my life freely and more wisely.

The reason I bring up my story is because I hope it'll show I'm not just saying the fear and pain left behind will eventually lessen, and you'll be able to enjoy your life and passions again. It's genuinely true, and you will be okay again someday.
12 dager siden
12 dager siden
Wow what a bitch. I really hope she's out of your life forever.
12 dager siden
It really irks me when people use "mental health issues" as a reason for their shitty behavior. Just take ownership of your mistakes and try to improve.
12 dager siden
This was like the plot of a 12 episode anime season, with part 2 coming soon :)!

Jokes aside, sorry to hear about what you went through. It feels like your friend is likely spoilt. All that could be said in hindsight is that never go on long distance trips and stuff with people you don’t know very well, unless it is like a business trip. You are more likely to discover their quirks mid-trip, and it will be the worst possible moment to confront them about it since you will suffer either way. Always good to test your potential friends casually for a long time before categorizing them to be friends haha. You really get to know whether you get along with someone by seeing them when things go wrong.
12 dager siden
Really sorry you had to put up with that. No matter what you're going through, abusing others literally never helps anyone, much less people that trust you. Glad to hear you're doing better. By all means, if you need to keep venting do it. This space is for you.
12 dager siden
This is like the cosplay version of Bridezilla. Cosplayzilla.

In all seriousness it sucks that you had to go through that.
12 dager siden
I’m really sorry about this OP. Verbal abuse and manipulation really fucks with your brain. I’m glad that you decided to speak about this, hope you have the support to make you feel safe and better. Feel free to PM if you ever want to vent
12 dager siden
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